This is a true, albeit somewhat altered, story.
It has little to do with fishing, although the donation to the Doe family of valuable spring Chinook salmon fillets and tuna, etc, and other piscatorial delicacies are something of a key to this true account’s genesis, a friendship which has become a lasting bond.
And the heroics involved are epic.
It happened on a farm in western Oregon, hours from the Portland area.
The names have been altered to protect the landowners from needless pestering by those who also value friendships and access to wild turkey hunting.
The principle humans involved in this case are seasonally accosted by the troublesome birds.
They ravage the mistress’ garden, are sometimes swept from the porch with a broom, and male turkeys are even brazen enough to sometimes peer into the window of their ground-floor bathroom!
(Yes, in-the-flesh, actual peeping toms)
Our Portland SWAT squad has made it our personal crusade to protect and serve these fine people.
We also ensure they also reap in our harvests, both of their own wild-caught turkey breasts and precious salmon, tuna and bottomfish.
Over the years, we’ve collectively accounted for numerous successful forays and, frankly, also more than a few defeats at the hands of the gobbling invaders.
HOWEVER…
All that said, the actions of the farmer’s yellow (actually white) Labrador retriever, “Stone,” during this past spring’s action must not go un-recorded.
Like all Labs (I have one; and suspect many of you do as well), Stone is intensely loyal to his master and mistress.
He routinely takes walks with the owner and it was on two of these forays last month that Stone rose to the occasion.
Herein is a relatively truthful account of the action, resulting in the Portland SWAT Squad’s highest honor:
Sgt. Stone is gratefully awarded the Rainbow Medal of Honor for conspicuous gallantry, loyalty and courage in the face of overwhelming enemy numbers.
Sgt. Stone repeatedly performed heroic acts with utter disregard for his own safety during the week of May 18-25, 2025, while in action against a Turkish incursion violating the homeland’s domestic borders. In doing so, Sgt. Stone heroically far exceeded the farm’s code, “Courage, Virtue and Barking” and brought honor upon his kennel with actions performed in the finest traditions of service to General John Doe and Residential President Jane Doe.
On two separate occasions, while on point for General Doe during a reconnaissance patrol (i.e. afternoon hike), Sgt. Stone charged into action when the General was confronted by superior forces of Turkish women and gremlin-like chicks, possibly tribbles escaped from a Star Trek rerun.
Each time, Sgt. Stone heroically placed himself between the General and danger, successfully engaging the enemy and causing the retreat of all but two tribbles, which he personally consumed the first time and another on the second day, for a rare double-tribble. On each occasion, Sgt. Stone’s heroics allowed the General to safely retreat to headquarters.
On yet another day and again without hesitation, Sgt. Stone raced past General Doe and selflessly attacked a dangerous-looking Turkish decoy before it could ruffle the General’s feathers.
And, just an hour later, while patrolling outside headquarters in the General’s absence, with President Jane Doe home alone, Sgt. Stone again proved his mettle with a sustained barking barrage, thus thwarting a camouflaged stranger and his large tank-like vehicle, parked next to the General’s outpost (his detached shop/studio).
Sgt. Stone’s actions prevented the camouflaged intruder from advancing, thus eliminating the threat to President Doe and thwarting the capture of what remained of his favorite shredded soccer/volley/basketball toy.
Sgt. Stone’s unfailing devotion to duty reflects the highest standards of service to General Doe and President Doe.
Gratefully bestowed by:
Major Bill Monroe Sr………………………………………….Commander, Portland Turkey SWAT team
Lt. “Turkey Whisperer” Middleton…………………………Most successful swatter; easily a five-kill “ace.”
Lt. “Commando” Monroe Jr…………………………………Most colorful swatter
Lt. “Sky King” Ehl…………………………………………….Swatter wing man
Lt. “Mojo” Jebousek……………..Doe Farm design consultant and occasional Swat mercenary